Cancellation Notice
by ghost02
Summary: Complete! ANGEL has been cancelled. Angel, Spike, Fred, Lorne, Wesley, and Gunn fight back. Ensemble focus with AngelSpike, WesFred pairings. Edited July 27; see my profile page for details.
1. Know Thy Enemy

TITLE: Cancellation Notice   
AUTHOR: Kelso   
E-MAIL: kelso28 AT excite.com   
SPOILERS: through "Shells"  
RATING: PG   
SUMMARY: "Angel" has been cancelled. Angel, Spike, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, and Gunn fight back..   
WEBSITE: see my author profile for the link. I have B/A(us), B/S, and miscellaneous stories posted there.  
DISCLAIMER: "Buffy" and "Angel" characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc.

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Cancellation Notice

It was a seemingly ordinary morning early in 2004 when Angel called an emergency meeting in his office. After Spike, Gunn, Lorne, and Wesley arrived, he announced, "I have bad news. We've been cancelled, as of the end of this season." He allowed a few moments for everyone to curse and complain before continuing. "The problem is that we don't attract enough viewers and our episodes don't do well in repeats. But don't count us out yet. I trust our fans to save us. They've already put together an online petition and they're racking up signatures to show their love and support for us. If they make enough noise, we can still return in the fall with new episodes." 

Wesley seized onto this ray of hope. "Let's see how the petition is going." He logged onto the Internet, with the others gathered around to watch over his shoulder. Within a few moments, Wesley found the petition site and smiled. "Excellent. Over 40,000 people have signed it." Then he skimmed the list of signatures and his expression changed to a frown. "Oh, dear. This doesn't look good at all." 

"What's wrong?" Gunn pressed. 

"Shh. Let me check on something." Everyone else anxiously waited while Wesley examined several dozen pages of names. Finally he turned back to them. "I'm afraid this petition won't be taken seriously. Among other irregularities, someone named Mickey Mouse signed it 172 times last night, and President Bush is supposedly taking time out of his crowded schedule to visit it twice a day with words of encouragement." 

"Okay, the petition's obviously not going to bail us out, but our fans are sure to phone and write and e-mail too," Angel pointed out. "The network can't overlook all that response." 

Wesley nodded. "We'll definitely get fan reaction, but we need to do our part as well. We have six episodes left in which to raise our ratings. Essentially, how do we get more people to watch?" 

"Look at the situation logically," Lorne urged. "We air on the WB network. We were cancelled, while other WB shows weren't. What do they have that we don't?" 

Everyone was quiet. Then Angel said, "We don't know what they have because we don't watch them. We need to study the competition." 

No one else had a better idea, so they went with Angel's. Wesley obtained a list of all the WB nighttime programming, and Angel sent a secretary to collect videotapes of the shows. When the material was accumulated, Angel looked at the list. "Right. You guys need to watch about two shows apiece. All the comedies together count as two, and the dramas are one each." 

Even Spike accepted his assignment without too much protest, and the group agreed to return to Angel's office at 8 that evening with their reports. When they did, no one looked very happy. 

Angel, who was settled down behind his desk with a notepad, prompted, "There's no time to waste. Lorne, tell us about the shows you watched." 

"I saw eight episodes of '_Smallvill_e.' In the first one, Clark battled a man who developed fire-starting abilities as a result of exposure to Kryptonite. In the second one, Clark battled a girl who developed shape-shifting abilities as a result of exposure to Kryptonite. In the third one, Clark battled a boy who suffered from permanent hypothermia as a result of exposure to Kryptonite. In the fourth one, Clark battled... oh, you get the point and I'm tired of saying the same thing over and over. It was bad enough watching it over and over." 

"The show is predictable. Right. We can do predictable," Angel said desperately as he made a note. "What about your other show, _'7th Heaven'_?" 

"It's a preachy, sappy, feel-good family drama that never met a moral lesson it didn't like," Lorne summarized. 

Angel made another note. "How about you, Spike?" 

"I want you to know, I only helped out because I didn't come back from the dust just to be cancelled at the end of my first season here," Spike informed everyone. "Right, so I drew _'Everwood'_ and _'Gilmore Girls_.' '_Everwood_'s' mostly social issues and old-fashioned narration. _'Gilmore Girls'_ is mostly quirky characters and snappy dialogue." 

"We have snappy dialogue," Angel protested. "Well, sometimes we do. We have to work on the other part, though. Gunn, you're not quirky enough. Develop a quirk, fast. And while you're at it, what did watching the WB comedies tell you?" 

"That they suck." 

"Yeah, but what do they have that we don't?" 

Gunn shrugged. "A laugh track, I guess." 

Wesley spoke up. "I covered the remaining two series. _'Charmed'_ features three nubile sisters and derivative plots." 

"What the hell does that mean?" Gunn demanded. 

"They rely on sex to sell and you've seen most of their plots somewhere else before. Then there is _'One Tree Hill_,' a series that attracts a substantial teen following and is considered to be a 'cool' show among many in that age group." 

Spike said what most of the others were thinking. "What does all this rot tell us?" 

Angel looked up from his notes. "It tells us that we need to become a whimsical, nostalgic, formulaic, sermonizing, unoriginal, hot, cool, socially conscious, female-oriented series with a laugh track. We have a lot of work to do, gang." 

end part 1


	2. Revisionist History

Part Two: Revisionist History 

The day after learning about the cancellation, Gunn, Wesley, Angel, Lorne, and Spike again met in Angel's office.

"I've found another problem with our show," Lorne began. "We don't have enough female characters. The only women around are Harmony, Nina, Illyria, and Eve, and three of them are recurring. We need to start pairing up if we're going to copy _'One Tree Hill,_' and we just don't have the cast to do it."

"Yeah," Gunn agreed. "Plus, does anyone out there even like Eve? She just ain't cuttin' it."

"Harmony is best taken in small doses," Lorne went on ("Too true," Spike muttered), "Nina has been tolerated so far, and fans resent Illyria for taking Fred's place. I'm sure you all will agree that this is quite an issue, since we badly need a signature couple fans can get behind."

"With Fred gone, we got nothing to bring to the table," Gunn stated.

"Actually, Fred doesn't have to be dead." Lorne displayed a thick sheaf of papers. "I took it upon myself to stay up last night collaborating with our writers, and together we managed to whip up our first new script. Here's a copy for each of us." He passed them around the table.

Gunn skimmed the first page of his. "Hey, I'm in the opening scene." He continued down the page. "Naked. I'm naked in the opening scene. Why am I naked in the opening scene?"

"You're wearing a towel," Lorne corrected. "It's because you just came out of the shower. There's a new mandate: All lead male characters must do at least one shirtless scene per episode. Angel's comes when he's exercising. Spike's is when he's getting out of bed. Wesley has his when he's changing clothes."

"What about yours?" asked Angel.

"I excused myself, because no one should have to look at that much green. Also, I'm just a tiny bit out of shape at the moment."

Gunn turned a page and stopped. "What's this? I find twin babies left on my doorstep?"

Lorne nodded. "Twin Chinese girls, left under your protection after their parents are killed by demons. _'7th Heaven'_ has adorable twins, so we're ripping them off. Your story for this episode is to take care of the babies. Our new laugh track will be heavily utilized at random intervals during these hilarious scenes."

Wesley had flipped ahead in the script. "And my story apparently is to come up with a way to alter time and move us all back to two episodes ago, before Fred was infected, so that it never happens and she doesn't die. How in the world am I supposed to explain my ability to pull off this miracle? That portion of the script is blank."

"Make up an explanation full of big words and hope it confuses the audience so much that they have no choice but to believe you. What does it matter anyway? We'll have Fred back and you two can share sweet, mushy scenes and the audience will love it."

Angel looked up from his script. "What's this flashback scene? I don't understand what you're trying to do with it."

"Galway, 1753," said Lorne. "Angel, your little sister Kathy didn't really die back then, and she's joining the cast. The scene you're talking about is a newly created flashback where Angelus bit her but left before she was drained, assuming she would agonizingly bleed to death. She didn't. Instead she survived and became a half-vampire, meaning she retained her soul, doesn't age, and can go out in sunlight without burning up. Also, we adjusted her human age slightly. She is now 18; therefore, legal. What do you think of that?"

Dead silence answered him.

"Trust me, it'll be great," Lorne raved. "The flashback is an opportunity to give Angelus fans a treat, and also to crank up the laugh track. Angel-cakes, your fake Irish accent and bad hair will have them rolling in the aisles." Perhaps sensing Angel's true feelings, Lorne quickly changed the subject. "Oh, and before I forget, we need to repopulate the show by bringing back past characters." He handed each person a single sheet of paper. "Everyone, vote on who should return. Your choices are Cordelia, Kate, Gwen, Lilah, Justine, Darla, Drusilla, Penn, Lindsey, Connor, and the Groosalugg. Choose three each." When the others had marked their ballots, some with more enthusiasm than others, Lorne collected them. "Thanks. I'll look them over and let you know soon who's coming back."

Gunn rose. "If we're done here, I'm off to memorize my script."

"We can't be done," Spike protested. "We haven't even talked about my scenes."

"Saving the best for last, sweetie," Lorne assured him as Gunn dropped back into his chair. "Spike, you have some pivotal scenes. For instance, there's the one where you find the Gem of Amara Angel hid--"

"Wait a minute," Angel broke in. "The Gem of Amara doesn't exist anymore. I destroyed it way back in season one."

"No, you actually destroyed a fake and hid the real Gem in case of an emergency. Well, the emergency has arrived. We need you to be indestructible, so we're dusting off the Gem and putting it back into play." Lorne turned back to Spike. "In this episode, we also reveal a big secret--the real reason you've been hanging around Los Angeles instead of going to Europe after Buffy. Because frankly, that excuse about not being able to top your exit scene makes about as much sense as Wesley being able to alter time. Your revelation comes in a dramatic scene right at the end of the episode."

Spike nodded. "Right, then." He stood up. "I'm going to get a snack."

No one followed him. Wesley looked at Lorne. "What about you? What are you up to in this episode?"

"I appear in two token scenes just to remind viewers I'm still on the show."

Angel had stopped paying attention to the conversation and was skipping to the end of the script. "Who cares about that? I want to learn Spike's secret."

Gunn, Wesley, and Lorne moved to the final page as well. Gunn read the ending, which mostly consisted of Spike's dialogue: "'SPIKE: "Angel, you want to know the real reason I'm staying in town? It's not because I'm afraid to see Buffy. It's not even because of that stupid shanshu prophecy. (steps closer to Angel) It's because of you. It's because I've finally realized my true feelings for you, Peaches. I don't hate you. (deep breath) I'm in love with you." Cut to: Angel's reaction. Hold shot for five seconds. Fadeout.'"

Gunn, Wesley, and Angel looked at each other in stunned silence. Wesley recovered first. "It's official. Common sense has packed its bags and left the building. Perhaps we should all follow?"

Before anyone could answer, from the hallway outside the office sounded a terrible howl, followed by a scream of, "What the bloody hell is this?"

Angel winced. "I think Spike just read the last page of the script, too."

* * *

SCRIPT (DELETED)

Note has clarified its rules and it turns out that they do not allow entries in script format. I have deleted all scripts from this story to comply with the rules, but it's really gutted the fic. To read it as I intended it to be, please see my website, linked from my author profile page.


	3. Motivation

Part Three: Motivation 

The cast taped the first of their six remaining episodes in record time. They had never finished one so fast before. Even the climactic Angel/Spike scene went quickly, played to perfection on the first take. That fact in itself was frightening, considering that both Spike and Angel had initially vehemently protested the very existence of the scene. Something had changed their minds. Whatever it was, though, no one tried too hard to find out. They had too much else to worry about. 

Eventually it was time to tackle episode two. Again Gunn, Lorne, Spike, Angel and Wesley gathered in the office. Fred was also there, since she'd been restored to the cast due to Wesley's miraculous new time-altering ability. However, although Kathy had appeared in the previous episode, she was not present, mainly because she was an annoying newbie who was only on the show to help snag those elusive younger viewers, the mindless pursuit of whom had taken over the television marketplace and severely compromised program quality. 

Everyone expectantly faced Lorne, who had once more worked on the new script. It was a job no one else was willing to take on. 

"Well?" Gunn said. "You decide on cast changes yet?" 

"We're still smoothing those out, but there's what we have so far. Gwen Raiden and Connor are coming back, and a new 20ish character named Paige will be introduced in the next episode." 

"Paige?" Fred repeated. "Isn't that the name of one of the sisters on..." 

"'Charmed,' yeah," Lorne confirmed. "Our plots have occasionally turned up on their show, so we're returning the favor a little by borrowing a name from them. Anyone here have a problem with that? No? Good. Anyway, aside from Gwen, Connor, and Paige, there are a couple of other changes. Don't worry; they're for the good of the show." While the others curiously watched, Lorne moved to the door and opened it. Eve and Lindsey walked in. "Everyone, welcome Lindsey back and wave goodbye to Eve. See, there is method to my madness. It's a trade. Move along, Eve." 

With that, Eve was gone and Lindsey was not. 

"The senior partners are going to spit Lindsey back out at us and take Eve away in his place," Lorne continued. 

"That's very, well, interesting," Fred said carefully. "But why are they doing it?" 

"Why?" Lorne echoed. "Who cares why? They just do. Accept it and move on." 

Wesley nodded. "I understand. Logic has now taken up accommodations with common sense in a distant part of town." 

"We're like _'One Tree Hill_,'" Lorne informed him. "We don't need logic, and we don't need common sense, either. We do, however, need some semblance of character motivation." 

Lindsey spoke up. "Great point. What about my motivation? Am I good or am I evil? How do I play my scenes?" 

"Inscrutably, because we're making up your story as we go along." 

Lindsey shrugged. "Okay." 

"Okay?" said Lorne. "That's it? No complaints? Now, this is the kind of reaction I like to see. Why can't the rest of you be as agreeable as Lindsey and do what I say without protesting?" 

Angel spoke up. "Oh, I don't know. I find it hard to be agreeable when it results in things like Spike declaring his love for me. Still, no harm done as long as I get to beat him up in the next episode." He paused. "Hey, I do get to beat him up, right?" 

"No, 'cause my idiotic declaration was a nightmare scene," Spike corrected him. "Had to be. Which you'll see soon's we get the next script." 

"Where _is_ the script?" Fred asked, beginning to frown. 

"It's being photocopied as I speak," Lorne replied. "I guarantee you, it's terrific. Spike, you'll hover between hopelessness and despair throughout the episode. Angel, you're confused and angry. The sudden reappearance of Kathy is seriously complicating your life. Gunn, you run the gamut. This episode is a true emotional workout for you. You celebrate the existence of life in the form of those beautiful, precious babies who are under your care, and later you mourn the senselessness of unnecessary death. You also hook up with Gwen again. Fred, Wes, you're the easy ones. Your mindset is that you're in love and happy. Don't worry, it won't last long. Just give us a couple of episodes to build up to making your lives miserable again. We have to milk you two for all the drama you're worth. Last but not least, I even give myself a story in this episode, for a change. I'm reading potential new employees, including the mysterious girl we eventually hire, and I uncover Knox's evil intentions toward Fred and nip them in the bud." 

"Doesn't sound so bad," Gunn admitted. "So why do I have this real bad feeling about it?" 

"No idea," Lorne said dismissively. "None of you could do any better." 

His confidence momentarily reassured the others, but they all tensed as soon as the door opened and Harmony came in with an armful of scripts. 

"Here ya go," she said, handing them out. "I just love this episode!" 

"That settles things," Angel decided as he reluctantly accepted his copy. "If Harmony likes it, it can't possibly be good."

end part 3


	4. Music Montage

Part Four: Music Montage 

Before the cast could begin to tear apart his latest work, Lorne made an offer. "Everyone who's willing to save their energy and accept the script as it stands can leave now." 

Lindsey and Fred were the only ones who stood up. Fred looked around the table, saw that no one else was moving, and sat back down. Lindsey shrugged and left the room. 

Lorne scowled when he saw that most of his audience remained. "Fine, you obviously don't trust me, despite all we've been through together. But you will in a few minutes. We're going to approach this script sensibly. We'll look over it together and address any concerns here and now, so that we're all satisfied I did the right thing." 

"That sounds really fair, Lorne," Fred approved. "Don't you all think so, too?" She waited for support that didn't come. 

Instead, Angel glared at Lorne. "I have a problem already." 

"What page are you on?" Lorne said calmly. 

"One! Page one! The opening scene can't be right." 

"No?" Lorne scanned the lines. "Why not?" 

"Because after Spike says he's in love with me, it has me just walking away. I thought I'd get to beat him up!" 

"And I thought it was a nightmare," Spike reminded everyone. "It couldn't really have happened." 

"It did. Deal with it and move on." Lorne turned the page. 

Angel did not. "You seriously intend to put me and Spike together? That's just wrong. Besides, isn't the show supposed to be predictable now? Well, pairing me and Spike is the opposite of that." 

"It's perfectly possible to be predictable yet groundbreaking at the same time. _'Dawson's Creek'_ paved the way for us there. Besides, it's a widely accepted belief that vampires are inherently bisexual, so half of our audience has been expecting you and Spike to jump each other all season. They won't be at all surprised. Problem solved." 

Angel and Spike began to shout at the same time, so that neither could clearly be heard. 

"Shut up, you two!" yelled Gunn, who had advanced to his own scenes. "I got it worse than you did!" 

This impressive statement succeeded in quieting Spike and Angel, and they flipped ahead to analyze Gunn's material. 

"I'm going to the animal shelter to adopt a dog," Gunn summarized with a grimace. "That isn't a story. It's a joke. Has to be." 

Lorne shook his head. "Not in the least. Besides featuring cute twins, '7th Heaven' also has a fluffy white dog named Happy. Highest rated show on the network, so it obviously works for them. Besides, this is our big chance to shoehorn in a social issue. Gunn, you are to visit the pound, see the multitudes of miserable animals piled up hoping for adoption into a loving home, and trumpet the cause of pet-population control. Think Bob Barker at the end of every 'Price is Right' episode, only more long-winded. After your moving speech, you will carry little Lucky home to a joyful new life. We need to hit viewers over the heads with this one." 

"This has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever read, and that's saying something." Gunn waved his script for emphasis. "This part. Where my eyes well up, and this one perfect tear dislodges itself and rolls down my cheek in 'solitary glory.' What the hell is that about? One stupid tear?" 

"Greater impact. A string of tears is far less dramatic than one all by itself. Your eyes must brim to the brink, but you're to only allow one single tear its release." 

"Nice trick if you can manage it," Gunn muttered. 

"It just takes a little control. Like this." Lorne's eyes immediately brimmed with moisture; he held the look for a moment before one large droplet descended from his left eye and dribbled down his cheek. 

Gunn lapsed into sullen silence, but Angel filled the gap. "Another thing. Spike and I can't each get part of the Gem of Amara. Aside from the fact that there really shouldn't even _be_ a Gem anymore, what's the point of us being basically invulnerable? Seems like viewers won't worry about our safety as much anymore, and we want them to care what happens to us." 

"Not a problem," Lorne assured him. "I refer you to Clark Kent on '_Smallville_.' He gets hit by a bus--the bus is mangled, and Clark doesn't have a scratch on him. Need I remind you, '_Smallville_' always attracts a bigger audience than we do, so plenty of people prefer invincible Clark to us." 

"Yeah, well, back to this thing with Angel and me--it makes no bloody sense," Spike stressed. 

"It most certainly does!" Lorne roared, eyes bulging and fists forming. "We're setting up a love triangle. We want to get Buffy back on the show. Well, think of how dramatic it'll be if she returns only to find her two exes shacking up together. Think of the dramatic tension! Think of the press coverage! Think of the ratings soaring! Look, boys, do you want to remain cancelled, or do you want to stay on the air? Suck it up and play the scenes or I'll find someone else to do it!" 

Cowed by Lorne's fury and reminded of their goal, Spike and Angel dropped the argument. For the time being. 

Still quivering with rage, Lorne turned to the people on his right. "Fred, Wes, everyone else has had their turn at tearing apart my efforts. Go ahead--here's your big chance." 

"Oh, no, the script is great," Fred quickly responded. "Really great. Except for maybe one tiny little thing. It's almost nothing, though." 

"Yes?" Lorne prodded. 

"Um, where's my dialogue?" Fred blurted. 

"And mine," Wesley added. "Neither of us seem to have any lines. Some pages must be missing from the script." 

Lorne waved away this concern. "No, they're complete, all right. You two have no dialogue, but you should limber up your lips anyway, because you have lots of make-out scenes in this episode. Five, to be exact." 

"Be glad you don't have any dialogue," Gunn interjected. "These lame jokes are _not_ funny." 

Lorne smiled. "Great. We'll fit right in with just about every other show out there, then. Gang, you have to understand that we have a choice: Our dialogue can be witty but shallow, like on _'Gilmore Girls'_ and '_Charmed_,' or unmemorable and simplistic, like on _'7th Heaven,' 'Everwood,' 'One Tree Hill_,' and '_Smallville_.' I vote for the majority opinion, which also happens to be the path of least resistance. Do you have any idea how much easier it is to write boring, cliched dialogue than it is to come up with the good stuff? Why struggle against the tide? Besides, no one cares when we do make the effort. If they did, our ratings would have been great for years and we wouldn't be cancelled." 

Angel pointed to the last page of his script. "I can tolerate the lame dialogue. I can survive the lapses in continuity, like the fact that suddenly all of us live in adjacent Wolfram & Hart penthouses. I can even put up with sharing most of my scenes with Spike, as long as that doesn't last too long. But this music montage at the end has to go." 

"Music montage?" Spike almost tore the pages in his haste to reach the last one. "There's a bleeding music montage at the end of this episode?" 

Lorne beamed. "Yes, one of the finest bits, if I do say so myself. Up until now, we'd mostly overlooked the obvious--the blatant, sometimes inappropriate, usage of hip new music during episodes. We won't make that mistake again. We're showcasing our great new couple of Angel and Spike by displaying their complex history, set to a popular song." 

"No," Spike whispered. "No. Any song but this one!" 

"And what, may I ask, is wrong with Kelly Clarkson's 'A Moment Like This'?" 

end part 4


	5. Thinking Inside the Box

Part Six: Thinking Inside the Box 

Episode two was finished. The scene that had taken longest to shoot was the infamous "Gunn's Lament" set at the animal shelter, as the skill of allowing only one teardrop out of an eyeful to slide down his face had proven difficult for Gunn to master. Finally, though, he had performed the task to Lorne's satisfaction. 

It was time to go over the third script. This time, Angel, Spike, Gunn, Lorne, Fred, Wesley, Gwen, Lindsey, Connor, Kathy, and Paige were all in the office for the meeting. Kathy was in a red catsuit today, Paige wore a pink leotard, and Gwen's skirt remained very short. 

Lorne addressed the group. "Before we peek at the script, there's another issue I want to bring up." He set a CD player on the table; many of those present nervously eyed it. "Spike, Angel, we need to come up with a theme song for you two. 'A Moment Like This' was great for the montage in the last episode, but it won't work long-term. We need to think even more inside the box. So I did that, and I came up with a candidate for your theme song. Have a listen." Lorne pressed the "play" button. 

Out wafted, "When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms, the whole world fades away. The only thing I hear is the beating of your heart 'cause I can feel you breathe. It's washing over me." 

Lorne stopped the music. "That was Faith Hill's 'Breathe.' What do you think, guys?" 

Angel looked at Spike. Spike looked back at Angel. Angel spoke. "The song's great. Just great. Except for a couple little things. Like the fact that vampires don't breathe." 

"Or have heartbeats," Spike added. 

"Details, details," Lorne replied airily. "I'll keep 'Breathe' on the short list. It's popular, cliched, and overexposed, making it ideal for our purposes." 

A tap sounded on the door, and Harmony entered with a heap of scripts. Everyone accepted a copy and braced themselves for whatever new horrors were in store for them. 

Wesley began to open his script but then rethought the situation and instead turned it over on the table. "I'm not looking at it until the morning I have to perform my scenes. I think that approach would be better for my health." 

One by one, Fred, Spike, Gunn, and Angel shoved away their copies. The others, who either didn't know or didn't care what awaited them, did nothing. 

"All right," Lorne said pleasantly. "I'll just go ahead and recap the action for all of you, then. This episode is entitled 'The Legend of the Halpir,' and the big scene comes when Lindsey explains the legend to Kathy." 

Gunn scowled. "Someone better explain it to me, too, 'cause I never heard of it before." 

"Lindsey?" Lorne looked at him. "If you'll do the honors?" 

Lindsey located the appropriate page and read, "'Kathy, you're her. It's true! I always thought the existence of the halpir was a myth--a kind of urban legend--but you really exist. This is a monumental day in the history of humankind, and to think I am here to witness it: proof that at least one halpir walks among us, sharing our sunlight and food and drink, yet thirsting, always thirsting, for something more. Something deep and hidden that even she cannot define, because of her wretched half-existence as a halpir.'" 

"And again I ask, what the hell is a halpir?" Gunn turned to Fred, Spike, Angel, and Wesley, who looked as confused as he did. 

"Why, a halpir is a half vampire, of course," Lorne cried. "I made up the name myself: hal for half, and pir for vampire. Creative, no?" 

"No," chorused Gunn and Spike. 

Lorne ignored their protests (he had become very good at doing this) and went on, "At this point, after Lindsey tells her the legend, and after 250 years of only partially existing, Kathy finally begins to understand her place in the world. Very touching stuff. This scene could be going on someone's Emmy reel come nomination time." 

Gunn rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine, I'm sorry I asked. And I'll probably be even sorrier about asking what my own story is this time around." 

"You panic when the babies both develop a rash and the dog gets sick," Lorne summarized. "All ends up well, though. Never fear." 

"Look, we got a problem here," Gunn stated. "I know from babies. I helped raise my cousin from when she was a week old. I can change diapers, and prepare bottles, and sing lullabies, and get them to sleep. And since when have I ever panicked?" 

"We've inserting drama into the show," Lorne explained. "Besides, the audience won't remember one little throwaway line about your cousin. They'll go along with it. Trust me." Forestalling further protests from Gunn, he moved on to a new subject."Now, this is a quiet episode for Fred and Wesley. Secure in their newfound relationship, they return to work. Paige is newly employed in Fred's department, and she makes herself darn near indispensable on her first day, but there are hidden depths and mysteries to this beautiful newcomer. Gwen also has a job at Wolfram & Hart and will share scenes with Gunn, Fred, Wesley, and Paige. Plus, this episode features the return of Connor. When we last saw him, his memory had been altered to make him believe he had grown up in a 'normal' family. All that, however, is about to change. While digging through his closet, Connor will be hit on the head by a falling book and all of his lost memories will return. He will vow revenge upon Angel. He's going to go to Los Angeles and team up with Lindsey and his Aunt Kathy." 

"Why do I think this is all building up to something not good for me?" Angel remarked. 

Lorne shook his head. "No sneak peeks for you. You'll have to wait along with everyone else to see what happens. Speaking of which, in this episode, Spike and Angel's relationship continues, and will be revealed to the others when Wesley knocks on Angel's penthouse door and Spike answers. This scene also provides the opportunity to insert shirtless Angel and Spike. As for the other male characters, they go shirtless when Gunn spills baby food on himself and Wesley has to change in the middle of the day to meet with a client who dislikes formality." 

"What about me?" asked Lindsey. After hearing what the others were stuck with, he had begun to look concerned. 

"You go shirtless all episode, because you have only the blanket, which is tied around your waist. If we didn't have censors, you wouldn't even have the blanket." 

"And what about me?" said Connor, speaking up for the first time. 

Lorne looked at him. "Oh, sorry, forgot about you. Does anyone really want to see you without your shirt on any more than they want to see me that way? How about we insert a quick shot of a photo of you with your shirt off? I think that'll be enough. Well, I think there's been enough discussion so--" 

"Wait," said Fred. "Paige and Kathy and Gwen haven't said a thing yet." 

Lorne shrugged. "Yeah, so what? They're only around to pretty much just be eye candy anyway." 

"You haven't mentioned your own story yet, Lorne," Wesley noted. 

"In this episode I'm back to not having one as usual. No sense rocking the boat too much. Now, I have more big news to announce. Once we've finished taping this episode, we'll be shipping advance copies of these first three off to the critics for early reviews. Their opinions will tell us where we stand and how much work we have left to do. So do your best with this script, and we'll get the critiques we're aiming for!" Cheerily, Lorne strode out of the office. Paige, Kathy, and Gwen followed him, still silent. 

"How did Lorne get to be in control?" Connor asked the others. 

Angel considered. "I don't know. He just kind of took over and we let him." 

"Do any of you think that was a mistake?" said Lindsey. 

"Better question--anyone think it *wasn't* one?" 

TBC 


	6. The Revolt

_"The Revolt"_

The first three episodes had all been taped and shipped off to every major television critic in the country for early critiquing. The initial episode was set to air nationally in just two nights. The ratings for this one were crucial. If they were especially good, the chances of a reprieve from cancellation increased. If they were low, the show's fate looked just as dismal as before. 

Once again, Gunn, Spike, Angel, Wesley, Fred, Lorne, Lindsey, Gwen, Connor, Paige, and Kathy convened in the office. Today Lorne was holding a sheaf of papers. "I had Harmony compile all of our advance reviews so we can see which way the wind blows. Everyone, start reading." He doled out the articles to all except Paige, Gwen, Kathy, and Connor, who were too busy gossiping to pay any attention to him. For a few moments there was silence as the others scanned the reviews. Then the reports came in. 

"_'USA Today'_ gives us a half-star out of four," Spike began. 

"'The ridiculous Mary Sue named Paige is the stupidest new character of the year,'" Angel quoted. 

"'_People_' trashes the 'bizarre baby storyline' and says we're now 'the worst show on the WB, hands down,'" Gunn recited. 

"'The deus ex machina time-travel plot device is only the beginning of the travesty,'" Lindsey continued. 

"'_Variety_' calls our stories 'regurgitated swill,'" Wesley said. 

"And according to _'Entertainment Weekly_,' 'ANGEL has undergone perhaps the most disastrous makeover in TV history,'" Fred concluded. 

Angel put his head in his hands. "They hate us. They absolutely hate us." 

"Knew it," Spike said with a nod. "What with Lorne in charge an' all." 

"Yes, Lorne, what do you have to say about this turn of events?" Wesley challenged. 

They all looked at their self-appointed writer, who was grinning from ear to ear. "Listen to this, gang! _'TV Guide's'_ Matt Roush, who's been one of our biggest supporters, devoted a whole column to the show. Here's the best part: 'The formerly original, near-genius plotting has been replaced by dull stodginess, out-of-character twists, and banal dialogue. It's hard to single out just one, but perhaps the lousiest addition is the atrocious laugh track, which gives new meaning to the term "unfunny" even as it offends the discerning ear. Goodbye, ANGEL: We won't miss you after all.'" Lorne leaped up and performed an impromptu dance around the room, clutching the crumpled reviews in one upraised fist. "Yes! Yes! Yes! We did it! Ha! Yes!" 

Bemused, Fred, Gunn, Spike, Wesley, Lindsey, and Angel exchanged glances. "Why are you so happy, Lorne?" Fred questioned. "You're acting like you wanted bad reviews." 

Lorne collapsed into his chair, still smiling. "Of course we wanted negative reviews, sugar plum. It's publicity gold. Good reviews never helped us and no one pays attention to mediocre ones. Now we're practically guaranteed increased viewership. People'll want to see the train wreck." 

"Or hide their eyes," Gunn muttered. 

"Wait until the ratings roll in," Lorne said confidently. "Now, back to business. Script number four is in the works and it'll land in your eager little hands very soon. Spike, Angel, I have a treat for you fellas. A non-angsty story, just for you. It will warm the hearts of the audience and amuse them. Spike, initially you have trouble fully relaxing and you find yourself unable to purr. Then you--" 

Spike sat bolt upright. "Hold up. What's this about purring?" 

"You know how vampires purr when they're especially happy or contented." 

"No, we don't," Angel blurted. 

"Yes, you do," Lorne insisted. 

"I don't purr," Spike said flatly. 

"Maybe you just never had a reason to before." 

"If I didn't do it when Buffy let me use the handcuffs on her, I'm not doin' it just because I'm with Angel now," Spike maintained. 

Lorne stared hard at him and then dropped the argument. "Okay, Angel, I'm even more excited about your story. It's very timely, and will allow many of our viewers to identify with you. despite the fact that you are a vampire. We're going to humanize you and bring you to their level. You, my friend, are going on a low-carb diet." 

"A diet," Angel repeated. 

"Sure thing. The Atkins diet is hot right now, so we're climbing on the bandwagon." 

Spike and Angel quickly held a whispered conference. When they emerged from it, neither looked happy. "I'm not a cat, and I don't purr," Spike reiterated. 

"And I refuse to go on a low-carb diet," stated Angel. 

"We're on strike," they said in unison. 

Lorne looked from one to the other. "You can't refuse to perform your scenes." 

"Yeah?" Angel retorted. "Well, I think we can. Until we get a suitable rewrite, we're out of here." 

"We're the most popular characters on the show," Spike added. "You can't do it without us." 

"Oh, yes, I can," Lorne said grimly. "You two want to strike? Fine. I'll revise the script and write you both out of this episode." 

Spike and Angel stood up, presenting a united front. "We'll be waiting for our new scripts with decent storylines," Angel announced. Together he and Spike stalked out of the room. The door slammed behind them. 

In their wake, Lorne was breathing hard. "Fine. Fine. We can work past this. I just need to regroup." He sat still for a few moments, catching his breath and thinking with his brow furrowed. No one dared disturb his intense concentration. Then he announced, "Here's what we're going to do. We'll add a few lines to the script to explain the sudden absences of Angel and Spike. Turns out they went to San Francisco to picket in support of gay marriages. As for Angel's diet story, that one's too good to waste. Low-carb diets are all the rage right now and we need to cash in on the craze. You could label bags of dog crap 'low-carb' and people would line up around the block to buy 'em. Someone else from the show needs to go on the diet." He looked around the table; everyone else was looking pointedly back at him. "Oh, yeah. I guess no one else around here can afford to lose any weight. It's gotta be me. Fine. I'll take over Angel's story and go on the diet. We'll put the purring plot on hold for the moment. I think that covers all the problem areas." 

"I get some more great action sequences, don't I?" Gwen piped up. 

"You sure do!" Lorne said, beaming at this show of enthusiasm. "As for the rest of you guys, Gunn continues with the babies and the puppy but trouble lurks on the horizon, Paige's big secret is revealed, Lindsey and Kathy grow closer, Connor launches a fiendish plot, and Fred's revived political ambitions strain her relationship with Wesley." 

"I don't have political ambitions!" Fred objected. 

"You do now, sweet cheeks. You want to run for mayor of Los Angeles." 

"The mayoral election isn't even held until next year," Wesley pointed out. 

"So we accelerated the timetable a tad," Lorne admitted. "Call it dramatic license and go with it." 

Fred considered. "Actually, that's no more unbelievable than most of the other stuff we've been doing." 

"Yeah," Gunn said with a sigh. "We made some real breakthroughs today. Like, Angel and Spike finally found a subject they can agree on. Does anyone know if blood even has carbs?"

An awkward silence ensued. Finally, Fred spoke up. "To be perfectly honest, I don't blame poor Spike for not liking his story. Purring vampires only appear in really cheesy fan-fiction scenes written by authors who think it's cute."

Lorne countered, "Yes, and have you ever noticed how many readers those pieces of fanfic attract? Those stories don't have to be good, and neither do we. We just need to get people to watch. Speaking of which, I've been brainstorming to come up with a catchy slogan for our new approach. We want to siphon away viewers from shows that air on other networks in our time slot, which means we have to do what they do, only in a more entertaining way. Here's the catchphrase I came up with, encompassing the competing shows from CBS, NBC, Fox, and ABC: 'More laughs than "_The King of Queens!"_ More politics than "_The West Wing_!" More fights than "_The O.C._!_"_ More nudity than "_The Bachelor_!" More vampires than anyone!'" 

"You forgot to include the UPN programming," Lindsey pointed out. 

"Nah, even if only by default, we've got to be better than anything they air against us. When your flagship show is '_Enterprise_,' you know your network's in trouble." 

"Oh!" Fred exclaimed. "You mentioned politics and 'The West Wing.' Is that how you came up with the idea of me running for mayor?" 

"Sure is," Lorne confirmed. "We're going to steal viewers from _'The West Wing'_ by launching our own thrilling politic story in this contentious election year." 

"Why is Fred stuck being your guinea pig?" Gunn demanded. 

Lorne stared at him. "Are you volunteering to take her place?" 

Gunn quickly shook his head. "I have enough going on with the babies and the dog and Gwen. I was thinking you could give the political story to Lindsey or Paige." 

"It stays with Fred," Lorne insisted. "We need to drive a wedge between her and Wesley, and this plot is our tool." 

"Thanks for trying anyway," Fred whispered to Gunn. 

"I heard that," said Lorne. "But I'll forgive you. We have to stick together, as much as possible. We still have time to prove we belong on the air, and we're going to do it. Even if it means Fred running for mayor, Gunn raising babies, and Kathy being alive." 

Reminded of their goal, the others nodded and went to work with renewed determination. Even if it did mean that Fred had to develop political ambitions from out of thin air. 

TBC


	7. Casting Coup

_"Casting Coup"_

Two days after the airing of the first "new" episode, Lorne called the next group meeting. He, Wesley, Gunn, Fred, Connor, Paige, Lindsey, Kathy, and Gwen all showed up on time. Spike and Angel arrived a few minutes late, but the fact that they had come at all following their walkout was encouraging. 

As usual, Lorne took the lead. The others looked on as he set up a TV and VCR at the front of the room, then turned to face them. "I have bad news and good news. The bad news is, our ratings for the first new episode were low. Don't panic, though. A lot of viewers didn't know we were coming back on and they didn't tune in. Next time we'll reel them in and get those numbers way up." 

"And the good news?" Wesley prodded. 

"Great news, I should have said. Buffy's coming back for our last two episodes! She'll appear briefly at the end of episode five and more extensively in the final one. To help set up her return, Spike starts thinking about his last moments with her back in Sunnydale, during the 'Buffy' finale. Here's how it happened." Lorne picked up the remote control, flicked on the TV, and pressed "play." The tape began. 

"Hey! That's me right before my death!" Spike exclaimed, staring at the onscreen images. 

"Shhh!" Angel hissed. 

Everyone intently watched. The scene being shown featured Spike and Buffy with the Hellmouth falling apart around them. Spike was wearing the amulet as waves of light radiated out from it. 

Buffy grabbed Spike and passionately kissed him. "I love you. I will always love you." 

"And I'll always love you too, but you have to go now!" Spike cried. "Live! Live for both of us!" 

The music swelled dramatically as Buffy and Spike stared into each other's faces one final time. Tears glistened in Buffy's eyes before she turned and ran to safety, leaving Spike to burn alone. 

The scene ended. 

"What the hell was that?" Spike yelled. "That's not how it played out!" 

"We tweaked the scene a little," Lorne explained. "We had to. You'll understand why when you review the original version." He pressed "play" again and the tape resumed. 

As before, Spike was wearing the amulet while light radiated from it. Buffy, holding his hand, looked at him and said softly, "I love you." 

"No, you don't," Spike disagreed. "But thanks for saying it." 

The tape stopped. 

"See?" said Lorne. "Talk about flat and uninspiring. We had to fix things. Make it more dramatic as we gear up to showcase the epic love triangle of Angel, Buffy, and Spike. If Buffy doesn't really love Spike, we have no story. Hence, the very minor dramatic license we took." 

"The fans are gonna be pissed," Spike warned. "They know what happened in the original version of that scene." 

Lorne shrugged. "Sure, they'll be pissed. Sure, they'll threaten to quit watching. But they won't do it. A little controversy will be good for the ratings. I guarantee it. By the way, who wants to see the next script?" 

No one replied. 

"Aw, come on," Lorne coaxed. "Anyone?" 

Wesley spoke up. "We haven't even finished shooting the previous one yet. I think we were all looking forward to a bit of downtime in between." 

"You'll get a month of downtime after we wrap up episode five," Lorne promised. "We're taking a vacation and then coming back all rested up and eager for the big finish. But to be able to do that, we need to get over this last hump." He flipped open his briefcase to reveal a pile of scripts, somewhat thinner than usual. "Who's first?" He grabbed the top script and offered it to Spike, who was nearest to him. 

Spike didn't extend his hand. "No purring scenes in this one?" 

"No purring," Lorne assured him. 

Spike accepted the script. Once he had done so, the others all followed suit. 

"What's with the episode title? 'Inner Children'?" Lindsey read. 

"Bent on revenge against Angel and shaken after hearing a revelation from Lindsey, Kathy attempts to use dangerous magic and accidentally transforms most of the cast into their five-year-old selves," Lorne related. "Because who doesn't love seeing hordes of screaming, prank-pulling little kids running around like maniacs while the adults around them lose their heads?" 

"Parents want to watch that on TV?" Fred said dubiously. 

"Trust me--_everyone_ wants to watch it," Lorne replied. "The important thing is that the misbehaving kids aren't their own and they can hit the mute button whenever they feel like it." 

"This episode sounds an awful lot like that 'Spin the Bottle' one from last season," Gunn pointed out. "You know, the one where we were transformed into our 17-year-old selves." 

"You're right," Angel agreed. "Have we actually been reduced to ripping ourselves off?" 

"I prefer to say we're drawing inspiration from the greatness of our past," Lorne clarified. 

Angel nodded. "What I thought--it's a ripoff." 

"So the entire episode consists of us as a bunch of bratty children causing trouble?" Fred asked. 

"Oh, no," Lorne protested. "Only about the middle two-thirds of it. The rest is classic drama. Gunn's custody struggle, Buffy's return, Paige's confrontation with Spike, Wesley and Fred's big talk, and other good stuff." 

Spike darted a suspicious look at Paige. "Why is she confronting me? Why is she even on the show?" 

"Oh, that's right," Lorne recalled. "You didn't read all of the fourth script and you don't know her secret yet. Spike, meet your mortal great-great-great-great niece, Paige. And while we're at it, Connor, meet your new girlfriend." 

"Huh?" Connor looked up from where he and Kathy were playing Hangman on the back of his script. 

Spike opened his mouth and closed it several times before giving up his quest for appropriate words. 

Lorne bulled on. "Also, there's no picking music at random for this episode. We're going with Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Christina Aguilera. And by the way, the official Angel/Spike theme song is going to be 'Breathe.' What can I say? I like it." 

The undeniable fact that no one else did seemed to have no impact upon him at all. 

TBC


	8. The Beginning of the End

_Quick note: The new "Dark Shadows" is not on the WB's fall schedule. Two comedies (one starring Jeff Foxworthy, and the other starring Drew Carey) will air on Wed. night in "Angel's" old timeslot. Thanks for making it easy for me, WB! Now I can change the channel right after "Smallville" ends._

Part Twelve: The Beginning of the End

Fresh off of their vacation following the taping of the fifth of the final six episodes, Angel, Lorne, Gunn, Spike, Wesley, Fred, Gwen, Lindsey, Connor, Paige, and Kathy met once more in Angel's office for discussion of the final episode and examination of the script.  
  
Lorne was already there when the others arrived. He was sitting in a corner next to two heaps of letters of about equal size. One was labeled Pile A; the other, Pile B. After everyone sat down, he began, "Everyone have a nice vacation? Good, because we have to buckle down right away. We have bad news and good news. The bad news first: Our overall ratings are only up by 8%."  
  
"After all the work we did to pull off those lousy scenes?" Gunn protested.   
  
"But I think something's changing with our viewership," said Fred. "I went online to a few of the bigger 'Angel' message boards, and the most popular topic was 'Spike is sooooo hot,' with 691 replies. The person who wanted to discuss the thematic elements in 'The Cautionary Tale of Numero Cinco' only got one response, though."  
  
Angel looked at Lorne. "You said you had good news?"  
  
"Yes, our fan mail is extremely encouraging." As an illustration, Lorne pointed to Pile A, which was topped by a letter written in purple ink and signed with a smiley face.  
  
Wesley looked at Pile B. "If the first pile is the positive response, then what is the second one devoted to?"  
  
"Oh, never mind that one," Lorne said quickly. "It's unimportant."  
  
Wesley reached over and snatched a letter from the top of Pile B. He skimmed it and raised his eyebrows. "My, my. This is what you call unimportant?"  
  
His companions looked on alertly. Lorne sighed and settled back in his chair. "Fine, go ahead; read it to them."  
  
Wesley did so. "It says, 'I've been watching "Angel" since day one, have never missed it, and after seeing the last few episodes I have this to say: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING? My formerly favorite show has become a crappy shell of itself. The only thing the current character of Angel has in common with the old one is his name. Are you all on drugs?'"  
  
As soon as Wesley finished reading, Lorne grabbed the letter from him, crumpled it into a ball, and pitched it into the wastebasket. "That guy wrote in last week, too, and I had him checked out then. Turns out his household doesn't have a Nielsen box, which basically means his opinions don't count."  
  
"What's a Nielsen box?" Kathy piped up.  
  
"The official method of measuring television viewership in the U.S., where the viewing habits of several thousands of households are used to represent the patterns of the country as a whole," Lorne rattled off. "If you don't have a Nielsen box or diary in your home, too bad. But Nielsen does have some positive news for us: Our audience of teenage girls has tripled over the past five weeks. And now that we have a chunk of the target audience hooked, we have to keep them. Script six is the key. We're building up to a big finish complete with huge cliffhangers involving every single character that will force the network to renew us for next season."  
  
"Lorne?" Fred said tentatively. "Don't take this the wrong way, but what if, for some strange reason, we don't get renewed? Won't the fans be mad that we left things up in the air? Shouldn't we work on resolving stories instead?"  
  
"No, because it's more fun to be childish and spit in TPTB's faces than it is to reward our loyal viewers by giving them a graceful ending. Haven't you learned that by now?"  
  
"We all talked about this possibility," said Gunn, indicating Spike, Wesley, Fred, and Angel. "And we agreed. None of us will play out a death scene, so scratch that idea."  
  
"Death scene?" Lorne cried. "Wherever did you get that foolish idea? No, no, no. When I say cliffhanger, I mean cliffhanger of the emotional sort. Not cliffhanger involving mortal peril. There's a no-kill mandate for the season finale. Rest easy."  
  
One by one, Fred, Gunn, Angel, Wesley, and Spike relaxed. "So if you aren't going to kill any of us off, what _do_ you plan?" Spike asked.  
  
"Gunn and Gwen's wedding, the trial for custody of the twins, the epic love triangle of Angel/Buffy/Spike, Lindsey's efforts to stop Kathy from getting revenge on Angel, Wesley and Fred's attempts at reconciliation, the mayoral election, and Paige and Connor falling in love," Lorne rattled off. "Plus, of course, my own weight-loss struggle, culminating in a check of the scale to see if I met my goal. Very exciting stuff!"  
  
Angel looked around the room. "Speaking of Buffy, where is she?"  
  
Right on cue, Buffy swept in. "What did I miss? Anything important?"  
  
"No, just our usual pre-script complaints," Spike filled her in. "The real bitching comes when we actually lay eyes on our ridiculous scenes and can't believe the crap we're asked to do."  
  
"Which is coming right about now," Lorne picked up, as Harmony entered with a stack of scripts.  
  
end part 12


	9. The End

Final chapter here. I did, however, just go back and add the scripts for the first and third episodes in the appropriate spots. The script for episode 1, "A Fresh Start," is located in Ch. 2. In this script, Spike realizes he's in love with Angel, Gunn finds the babies on his doorstep, Angel learns that his sister Kathy didn't die, and Wesley tries to alter time so that Fred is alive again. The script for episode 3, "The Legend of the Halpir" is Ch. 7. In this one, Paige goes to work at Wolfram & Hart, Connor regains his memory and vows revenge on Angel, Lindsey informs Kathy that she is a special being called a halpir, and the gang learns that Spike and Angel are together.

BTW, the WB has made a change to its fall schedule. A drama called "The Mountain" is now set to air in "Angel's" old time slot.

* * *

_"The End"_

The last episode had aired three days previously when Lorne called the final cast meeting. As they had so many times before, Spike, Wesley, Fred, Gunn, Angel, Gwen, Lindsey, Kathy, Paige, and Connor showed up. Buffy was also present.

Lorne was already in the meeting room when the others arrived. A half-empty bottle of champagne and a full glass sat on the table in front of him. Several unopened bottles, 11 glasses, a dozen plates, and a platter of roasted frog legs completed the setting. As everyone chose a seat, they glanced at Lorne. He appeared to be very relaxed, in quite the expansive mood, and when he spoke his voice was slightly slurred.

"Well, gang, I guess it's a wrap for our show. I don't mind admitting it's a bit of a relief that it's all over. Writing the scripts and making sure they were up to snuff was a lot of pressure. But the network didn't miraculously reverse its decision, so it's a wrap for us."

Gunn selected a frog leg, took a tentative bite, and smiled. "You know, these are really good. Where did they come from? Not the network, I bet."

Lorne shook his head. "Nah, they sent this giant fruit basket along with a card thanking us for 'five great years.' I took the basket back to the store and exchanged it for the legs. I figured they were more fitting."

Kathy frowned and opened her mouth, but Angel answered her obvious question before she could get a word out. "Lorne means frog legs are fitting because the WB mascot is a frog. It's like by eating frog legs, we're burning the network in effigy." Kathy opened her mouth again, looking even more confused. Once more, Angel cut her off. "And please don't ask me what 'burning in effigy' means. Pick up a dictionary for once and look it up."

Before the situation could turn unpleasant, Lindsey changed the subject. "So, Lorne, now that we're finished, what did you have in mind if we'd gone on to a sixth season? I'm curious to know how all of those cliffhangers would have turned out."

Lorne finished off his glass and replied, "Well, I'll start with myself and my perilous weight-loss mission. In the feel-good story of the year, I would have achieved my goal."

Everyone enthusiastically applauded. So far, so good.

"Then there's the Buffy/Angel/Spike triangle," Lorne continued, "which would have played out over the course of the season. I had a great idea for one script. Spike and Angel are battling over who gets to be with Buffy, see, and then Angel seems to take himself out of the running when he develops an allergy to Buffy. But everything works out in the end, because it turns out he is actually just allergic to her vanilla perfume."

Buffy's head snapped up. "My _what_ perfume?"

Lorne ignored her, refilled his glass, and bulled ahead. "Finally, Angel and Spike come to their senses and realize that rather than them fighting to be with Buffy, they should be making _her_ fight to get one of them. We have plenty of mileage left in that story, especially if the censors let us get away with an implied threesome. And things heat up even more when Spike's long-lost childe comes to Los Angeles and--"

"Wait," Spike interrupted. "You mean 'child' like Connor is to Angel?"

"No, not 'child' as in c-h-i-l-d. 'Childe' with an 'e' at the end, as in vampire offspring."

Spike cast a despairing look at the ceiling. "I'm not sure which is worse."

Fred grabbed another frog leg and asked, "Do I become mayor of L.A.?"

"Unforunately, no, sugar buns. It's a narrow decision, but you lose the election. The good news is that Wesley voted for you, so true love wins out. Or it would have, anyway, because you two would have gotten engaged and then married by the end of the season."

Wesley and Fred both smiled in satisfaction. Lorne's next words, however, quickly wiped the smile off of Wesley's face.

"Then there's this cutting-edge male-pregnancy plot that I thought could work great for either Angel or Wesley. I was going to make you two fight over who got to play out all the drama of morning sickness and swollen feet and labor pains."

Wesley looked at Angel. "Yes, the loser of the fight would have been saddled with it."

"Ha!" said Connor. "While all of you get the crappy stuff, I bet I would have had a great storyline next season. Right?"

"Sure, you and Paige were going to be our 'Romeo and Juliet' couple," Lorne easily agreed.

Connor smirked triumphantly. Most of the others glared at him.

"I'll let you in on a little shecret. I didn't like 'Romeo and Juliet,'" Lorne confessed with a tipsy grin.

Connor's smirk disappeared as quickly as Wesley's smile had.

Lorne grabbed for the champagne bottle again, but Fred moved it out of his reach with a pointed, "Don't you think you've had enough of this?"

"Honey, I know I've had enough," Lorne admitted. He sat up straight, cleared his throat, and went on in a steadier voice. "Where was I? Oh, yeah, Gunn's babies end up being demons that turn on him, Gwen is just eye candy most of the time, and Angel regrets turning over Wolfram & Hart to Lindsey because, guess what, Lindsey develops a split personality and veers between good and evil all the time. Don't worry; eventually Kathy gets to the bottom of the mystery and fixes matters to her satisfaction. As for me, I probably would have just dropped myself down to recurring status. In most of our episodes, even the ones I _wrote_, I didn't have much to do." He gazed around at the horrified faces staring back at him and burst into laughter. "Oh, please, you didn't think I was _serious_ about any of that nonsense, did you? I had a hard enough time coming up with ridiculous material for the last six episodes and convincing you all I thought it was good. I'm not about to put myself through that torture again, even in jest."

"Thank God!" Gunn said fervently.

"Yep, like I said before, I'm relieved to be done with it all," Lorne concluded. "We'll move on to other projects and we'll be fine."

The party resumed, much more festive now that everyone knew Lorne's ridiculous scripts had been deliberately awful; the frog legs swiftly vanished, and the champagne flowed freely (except in the case of Lorne, who had cut himself off). Finally, everyone had had their fill.

"Guess this is it," said Gunn, looking around the table. "I'm going to miss you guys. Well, most of you, anyway, not naming names."

"We'll all have to keep in touch," Fred decided. "Exchange phone numbers, addresses, all of that stuff."

She found a stray piece of paper and set about scribbling down copies of her contact information; the others immediately followed suit. In the middle of this task, the phone rang.

"I'll get it," said Lorne, who was nearest. He picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

While he dealt with the caller, everyone else traded phone numbers and addresses. A moment later, Lorne hung up the phone.

Wesley turned to him. "We need your information, Lorne. ... Lorne, did you hear me?"

"Who was on the phone?" Angel prompted.

Lorne was rocking back and forth, trembling. "It was the network. They analyzed the ratings for our final episodes and they said... they said...."

"What? What did they say?" Buffy demanded.

"Key demos were up 46% overall, with a 114% increase in the last episode alone," Lorne reported in a low voice. "They said they changed their minds and since we're still under contract, they want us to come back for a sixth season."

"That's great news!" Fred cried, but Lorne began to quiver more violently. "It _is_ great news, isn't it?" Fred asked tentatively.

"No! No, it is not!" Lorne shouted, sounding near tears. "Do you realize what this reprieve means? I have to come up with 22 more episodes that, in the words of our boss, 'live up to the standards set by the most recent six.' Twenty-two more horrible episodes! I don't think I have it in me!"

The End


End file.
